St. Louis vs Nashville Match Report

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NASHVILLE, Tennessee-- The fans left over after wishing mazel tov to Callie Minton huddled under tents and umbrellas to witness a sodden slugfest between St. Louis and Nashville at the Kangaroos' home field, submerged Elmington Park.  The final score was not good for the Roos, as the Blues beat them 8.9.57 to 7.5.47, but the final tally was tougher on the Azure Archers, as Team Inspiration And Occasional Forward Philip "Sticks" Brereton got broke.  The Men Of The Deep Waters Of The Sea are thankful for the win, but are, nevertheless, frankly, woebegone.
The game started positively for the Blues.  St. Louis controlled the ball for almost all of the first quarter.  Darrell "Country Music" Butler and Dan "Get Your Wing Out Of My Pocket" Sarbacker, along with the Blues' half backs and half forwards kept moving the ball to the front line, but the staunch Kangaroo back line refused to let up any goals from the full forward(s).  Despite outplaying the Roos early on, the Blue Bowmen managed only a couple of behinds during the first ten minutes.  Then, just like that, Brad "Knuckler" Coultas wowed the crowd with a ripper from some large whole number meters out, much to the delight of his parents, Blacky and Red, who journeyed to the field to see him for the first time.  Well, they saw him play footy for the first time.  Presumably, they've seen him before.  Oh, you know what this writer means.
What this writer means is, Dan "I Am Your Father" Kocka and Joseph "What, No Leipholtz" Schomaker added a major each and at the end of the first canto it was St. Louis 3.3.21 to Kangas 1.0.6.  But one could feel it in the air, and in the squishy water between one's toes, that the game was far from over.  The feeling was tangible, sine wave like, and wide spread.  It was felt as far away as Dallas.  When asked about the effect it had on Texas, dpr said, "have you seen that Garp movie?  John Lithgow plays a girl."
The second stanza is not really a twenty minutes the Blues are too excited to go through again.  First, Nashville outplayed them, and the score stood 28-22 in favor of The Hoppers at the big break.  Secondly, the Blues were called for approximately one million, six hundred thousand (give or take) penalties.  Including a double 50.  The whistle sounded so much the teams thought they were filming the opening bit for a Flintstones remake.  If not for the courage of the fearless defense, the game would have been lost.  Luckily, gutsy play and clever coaching put the right men in the right spots at the right time when the game was 26-50% completed, and in the third period, as well.
None of the Blues seemed to be in the righter place at the righter time than Dan "Elvis Is Still The" King.  The King had quite a day manning the back.  Despite a wet game in which no one seemed to be able to pick up the footy, catch the footy or keep control of it, The Flying Elvis managed to pick up the footy, catch the footy and control it.  For his efforts, The Hound Dog earned himself the most coveted award in all of sports, the Match Report One-Percenter Award.  This could be the first time CC has gone back to back games without winning it, but Cheech had his own moments on the field, and no doubt his fans are proud of him.
Although not totally out of the game, the Blue Boat was listing badly by midway through the Premiership Quarter.  Except, nobody bothered to tell Kocka.  The Roos had widened their lead and they were starting to smell victory, but the tide was about to turn.  When asked about it later, the Kangaroos' coach said, "we were out there thinking about winning, and they were out there thinking about football."  In a five minute period late in the Prime Q, Little Kosky fired in three majors, giving himself four sixers on for the game and giving the Blues a lead they would not relinquish.  Kocka was marvelous all day, adding a couple of behinds to his goals, plus uncounted possessions and jukes, and even a mark and a spoil or two, all earning him the Match Report Best On Ground Award.  A goal by rookie Andy "Broken Wing" Buchanan broke his maiden and gave the Blues a sixteen point lead as the Premier horn sounded.  
St. Louis went into the final term winning 50-34 and feeling like with 20 more hard minutes they just might come out of the game unscathed.  And for eight minutes or so, it looked like they might be right.  The teams were trading blows like two heavy-weight boxers, so long as those boxers are not, your humble correspondent repeats, not, Tyson and that tomato can he quit against.  Swishing and swashing back and forth was ay-oh-kay with the Boys Who Wear The Color Of The Nautical Armed Forces, because time was slip sliding away for the Roos.
Oh, yes, unscathed seemed to be how the Blues would feel in a dozen minutes or so.  But then disaster struck.  Sticks was on his knees doing what he does best when a Nashville player ran into him.  Sticks broke like a twig.  Fear swept through the Blues bench and traveling fans.  Teeth were gnashed.  Monica was inconsolable.  Jess was incontinent.  D-1 was just glad to be back on the field.  And none too soon.
Just moments after he picked up the last shards of Sticks collar bone, D-1 gathered a ball on the flank and sent it to the forward line (well, kicked it in the general direction of forward).  Luckily, Jaime "Shoe Came To My Bachelor Party And All He Got Was This Stupid T-shirt" Wilson outfought the Roo defender, gathered the ball, juked for home and sent it through for the put-away goal.
But the cost may prove to be too high.  Sticks on the DL.  What's worse, he's planning to coach for awhile.  Between vacations, weddings and broken collar bones, the Archers have their work cut out for them facing Chicago in two weeks.  The MAAFL Premiership stands on the edge of a knife.  But the plucky Bowman will not be giving up that easily, if this scribe knows them at all, which he does not.  Either way, it will be an exciting season.  Footy- yeah, that's the game.
Dan Kocka (4), Brad Coultas, Joe Schomaker, Andy Buchanan and Jaime Wilson

- Benjam Lipman

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